Tomorrow is D-Day at CCI! (Post #5)

 

Spring is here!

Tomorrow is Ken's first appointment with his oncologist at The Cross Cancer Institute. (CCI) 🤔 Marigan will be joining us just as she accompanied me to my appointments, as the first visit is an information overload. I'm so grateful!

Ken continues to heal pretty well; there's only one spot along his incision that doesn't want to behave. As the Steri-Strips fall off one by one, the slow-mo unveiling reveals a pretty impressive scar. Below is a photo of NOT KEN! But this individual had the same procedure (CRS-HIPEC)...and posted their photo online, so obviously they are willing to share! (I've kept the photo small for those with weaker tummies. 🤢)

Again, THIS IS NOT KEN! 😁

(He looks very similar, but he has more chest hair. 😁)

Ken purchased the beautiful hydrangea during one of our 

excursions to Salisbury Greenhouse, our happy place. 

Every time I look at his scar, I'm reminded of a zipper. 

I've been trying to convince Ken to get a tattoo of a zipper tab 

at the top of his incision, but he's not keen.🤷🏻‍♀️(Kidding!)

Ken's greatest frustration is dealing with his limitations. As someone who has missed fewer days of work than he has fingers on his right hand, he is finding the fatigue annoying; currently, it's not unusual for him to have two or three naps per day. Personally, I think he's catching up on missed sleep from working such long hours for the past 30+ years. He is still not allowed to lift anything over ten pounds, which is driving him absolutely bonkers, as it's time for spring cleanup on the farm. I am awaiting surgery to remove a schwannoma (benign tumour on my median nerve) from my left arm, which renders it pretty much decorative - bad timing! 🙄 Seeing me struggle while not allowed to help makes Ken a wee bit grumpy, which doesn't surprise me; he still insists on opening my car door. 🥰 Today, we had a family friend help out with the never-ending spring clean-up; it was greatly appreciated.

Ken and I have often discussed how receiving a life-changing diagnosis is a bit of a priority reset. Once you've heard the words, "You have cancer," your attitude toward daily life changes. You start living more intentionally, or at least try to...😏 You savour your morning coffee just a bit more and marvel at every sunset. You become more aware of the beauty around you, and it takes more to get you riled up. (Unless you're in traffic... 😇) However, the greatest difference is your perception of time, especially time spent with those you love; there simply isn't enough! The desire to create more memories becomes urgent even as material things lose their allure. 

It's rather difficult to explain how life changes after a cancer diagnosis. Kate Bowler was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer and given months to live. That was in 2015; she's still with us. 💗 Her poem, "A Blessing for the Life You Didn't Choose," does a great job of describing the emotional rollercoaster a life-changing diagnosis brings.

Blessed are you when the shock subsides,

when, vaguely, you see a line appear that divides before and after.

 

You didn’t draw it, and can barely even make it out.

But as surely as minutes add up to hours and days,

here you are,

forced into a story you never would have written. 

 

Blessed are you in the tender place of wonder and dread,

Wondering how to be whole when dreams have disappeared 

and part of you with them,

where mastery, control, determination, bootstrapping, and grit,

are consigned to the realm of before (where most of the world lives),

in the fever dream that promises infinite choices, 

unlimited progress, 

best life now.

 

Blessed are we in the after, loudly shouting: Is there anybody here?

We hear the echo, the shuffle of feet, the murmur of others

asking the same question, together in the knowledge

that we are far beyond what we know.

Show us a glimmer of possibility in this new constraint,

that small truths will be given back to us. 

We are held. 

We are safe. 

We are loved. 

Kate Bowler was studying the prosperity gospel while on staff at Duke Divinity School when she received her diagnosis. This was rather ironic, as she said in an interview with Erin Unger from Mennotoba in 2018:

"The most controversial aspect of the prosperity gospel—God wants to bless you financially—is not the primary appeal. It is not simply a get-rich-quick scheme but a theodicy, an answer to human suffering. The prosperity gospel promises that everything can be made right and that God offers a cure for tragedy. That is the most incredible promise of all."  (Emphasis mine.)

The congregants at the church Kate was attending as part of her research really didn't know how to respond to her diagnosis. 🤔 While they were very supportive, there was an unspoken yet clearly prevailing question: "What did you do to deserve this?" Unfortunately, if you truly believe that God blesses those He loves and allows tragedy to befall those He doesn't, having a loved one receive a devastating diagnosis can be rather disconcerting. 😬 Thankfully, this belief is not found anywhere in the Bible. Phew! Ken and I would be in rough shape if it were! 😁 Thankfully, the book of Job begins with this verse:

"There once was a man named Job who lived in the land of Uz. He was blameless—a man of complete integrity. He feared God and stayed away from evil."                                                                           Job 1:1

We all know what happened to him, so being "blameless" is no guarantee of only happy days! 😏 So, while I don't understand why God has led our family on this unpleasant journey, I am absolutely certain that it is not punishment. How can I be so sure? Simply put, I trust God. As the ultimate Father who never makes mistakes, I know His plans for me are best. Besides, good parents ensure that their children understand why and when they're being punished - neither Ken nor I feels as though we're being punished. Surprising, right? Nah, while we certainly have our moments of wondering why, the overwhelming impression we have of God is that of being held in His arms or carried through the hard parts...so, pretty much every day. 💗

Timothy Keller summed this thought up well:

Sonya Isaacs from the singing group "The Isaacs" shares her testimony of how God helped her following the stillbirth of her baby girl and how the song she wrote during this time "I Love You More" became her anthem. (While her story has a happy ending, she had to wait 3 years to see it come to fruition.) You can watch it on YouTube here.

I Love You More

It's not Your fault,

I won't blame You,

Even though You didn't make the mountain move.

You must've known that in time

I'd get so much closer to You as I climb.

Because You gave me strength when I was weak,

Because You never lost Your faith in me,

I love You more than I did before,

Cause when I needed You,

You were there to pull me through.

I love You, still,

Though I don't understand Your will.

Because You've been so faithful to me, Lord,

I love You more.

Without some rain, nothing would grow;

Without some pain -- how would we ever know

That our tears break Your heart,

And that's when You hurt the most.

I'm finding every time You hold me close,

I love You more than I did before,

Cause when I needed You,

You were there to pull me through.

I love You, still,

Though I don't understand Your will,

Because You've been so faithful to me, Lord,

I love You more.